Saturday, 8 March 2008

Ken Livingstone's A-Z of Heroes and Villains

Craig Brown at the Telegraph has penned a very amusing article spoofing Ken's foes

Arthur, King: A deeply embittered individual. Frankly, he should never have put that sword in the stone if he was going to get so upset about it. As leader, he singularly failed to deliver. He famously attempted to indulge in round-table discussions with all the Sir Humphreys of their day, with the result that they got exactly nowhere. As Mayor of London, I can do away with the Round Table, which gives me a mechanism to deliver change.

Batman: The truth of the matter is that Batman was a highly unpopular figure with the ordinary people of Gotham City. He had his own agenda.

Bond, James: A typical public-school type, completely out of touch with Londoners. Bond had his own agenda and was accountable to no one, as well as having no real understanding of the type of multicultural society overseen by Dr No, who, incidentally, was by all accounts, an enlightened employer.

Bonnie and Clyde: What they do when they've left the building is entirely a matter for them. It would be a bizarre Nineteen Eighty-Four-type world if individuals were to be prevented from doing whatever they wanted in their own time.

Burns, Montgomery: I will continue to work with Montgomery Burns and his assistant Mr Smithers in the drive to make London one of the cleanest eco-friendly cities in the world. As owner and chief executive officer of Springfield Nuclear Power Plants, Mr Burns has a record of service to the community second to none. Needless to say, there has been an extensive media campaign to blacken his name, but they continue to come up with no real evidence against him. And today I am delighted to welcome Montgomery Burns as a Special Adviser to my Climate Change Action Plan.

Calamity Jane: An excellent and highly professional administrator. There's not a shred of evidence to the contrary. And if you try to tell me the opposite, well, I'm sorry but you're just being a typical anti-calamitist.

Capone, Al: If it is proved that he and his colleagues regularly mowed innocent passers-by down with machine-guns, then, yes, that would be a disciplinary offence. But from what I hear, those passers-by were in fact very far from innocent, or what were they up to, doing all that passing by? Check your facts, mate.

Dalek: Statistically, there have been remarkably few exterminations by the Daleks over the years, and anyone will tell you that the planet Skaro is one of the most enlightened and forward-looking planets in the Solar System. We welcomed a trade delegation of senior Daleks to City Hall last month, and greatly look forward to a return visit in the near future.

Dastardly, Dick: As executive officers in charge of improving transport in London, Mr Dastardly and his colleague, Mutley, have proved wholly exemplary. Recent attempts to assassinate Mutley's character have been in my opinion an utter disgrace, and frankly caninist.

Evil, Dr: An immensely capable individual, and an acknowledged expert in Peace Studies. He's the current chair of my specially appointed commission to look into cryogenics. OK, so the guy comes from Belgium. So what? Any attempt to blacken his name is all part of a racist campaign that panders to the worst stereotypes.

Fu Manchu: The money Mr Manchu has alloted to pythons, hamadryads and bacilli is less than .07 per cent of the London Development Agency's total budget, so what's the big problem?

Goldilocks: There have been decades of complete lies put about by her people. She's skilfully portrayed herself as whiter-than-white, but, until she tells us exactly what she was doing entering the bears' house uninvited, sitting on their chairs and eating their food, then we'll have no choice but to believe that she is an embittered individual pursuing her own agenda.

Hobbit, The: If he wants to live in a hole in the ground, that's his funeral.

Iscariot, Judas: Let's put it in perspective. Thirty pieces of silver is less than .008 per cent of the LDA's total annual budget, and anyway it all went straight into a wide-ranging community initiative, so let's not be racist, shall we?

Jaws: Typical anti-sharkist propaganda.

Kurtz, Mr: A hugely effective community leader.

Little Weed: Bill and Ben pay huge sums every year on self-promotion, but anyone who knows anything about their organisation knows that it's Little Weed who does all the work, and that's why we've awarded her a substantial grant.

Moriarty, Professor: A very dedicated professional. Mr Holmes had an agenda of his own. I'm told he had a team of people working for a year on digging up any dirt on Professor Moriarty for an orchestrated smear campaign and those odd pieces of tittle-tattle were all they could come up with.

Nelson, Lord: War criminal. The reason he remains up that column is because he knows the moment he comes down he'll be subjected to a full-scale police inquiry, and quite properly so.

Ozymandias: The guy was never a directly elected executive, so that's why he has left no lasting legacy.

Pan, Peter: You can't go about flying into children's windows in this day and age and expect to get away with it.

Perseus: The guy killed Medusa, which tells you all you need to know about his attitude to women.

Queen Victoria: Self-confessed reactionary. She ruthlessly pursued her own agenda.

Rip Van Winkle: A highly motivated and capable colleague. My people regularly work 67-hour weeks.

Siegfried: Dragons are an endangered species, and upper-class twits should not be allowed to go around slaying them.

Tintin: Typical journalist, always striking poses.

Ugly Sisters, The: Victims of footist prejudice by a member of the upper classes. I'm delighted to say we awarded them a grant last year to set up their own shoewear co-operative, which is now sadly in receivership.

Vader, Darth: A very capable individual.

Whittington, Dick: If he still wants to be mayor, he'll have a fight on his hands.

X-Men: Wholly unelected. Always throwing their weight around and poking their noses into other people's business. Typically middle-class.

Yes-Men: The unsung heroes of today.

Zaroff, Professor: All-too predictably smeared as a mad scientist by Doctor Who, he continues to make a vital contribution to underwater community relations. If you have the slightest shred of evidence against him, let's hear it.

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